Sinking Sand

"On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand...." 

In recent months I have found myself repeating this song lyric over and over and over:  in the middle of the night as I lay in bed watching the alarm clock blink to the steady rhythm every insomniac knows; at random times when it feels like my heart catches in my throat and I want for it to beat again.

I have tried my best to build my faith on a solid foundation over the past 12 years.  I am a doubter, a questioner, a seeker.  I hope I always will be.  Each period of searching seems to strengthen my beliefs and gives me the freedom to live my life with open eyes. It is hard for me to let go of control.  It is hard for me to trust that what hurts now will be a part of my foundation in the future.   I think this will be a life long struggle.


On September 25, 2013 a sand storm swept through my world.  I lay on a table excitedly waiting to hear a heartbeat and instead heard silence.  I didn't walk out that day holding a picture to share with friends and family. My hand, my heart, my body were empty.  I was desperately curling my toes around a rock quickly being buried in the sand of my pain.

It is hard to mourn someone the world has never known.  Miscarriage is SO COMMON and yet it is something no one talks about.  I understand why.  I don't want pity.  I don't want to have to manage someone's emotions and make them feel better about the situation.  But I do want to be honest.  I want to be authentic.  I want to mourn out loud and not just in my mind.

I have been fortunate to be surrounded by an incredible group of women at my church.  They have given me freedom to cry, to laugh, to be angry and to be loved.  They have allowed me to openly share how I feel and I will be forever grateful for that.  They have given me the strength to be honest.

For the past 3 and a half months I have dreaded being in situations where people may ask if we are "thinking about number 2".  There is no honest socially acceptable answer to this question.  I have struggled through muddled lies, half responses and many vague statements of semi-truth.  That is gradually changing.  The shame secrecy breeds is being replaced by the freedom of truth spoken out loud.